The Lingerie Prince | A Modern Tale For Men Who Wear Women's Clothing

"When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up". - C.S. Lewis

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a princess, who like many princesses of her time had been locked away in a tall tower because she was so pretty and her hair was so shiny and her feet so tiny and her eyes so large and her nose so pert and her femininity so feminine. She was so pretty that other women would projectile vomit with jealousy if they laid eyes on her.

Living in a tower quickly became tiresome for the princess, who was not able to play any online games, nor watch cable television, both of which would have eased her mental anguish considerably.

The tower in which the princess had been imprisoned in was one owned by an old evil witch dragon ( a terrible woman with the misfortune to have been born old, ugly, a witch and a dragon.) Because the evil with dragon was so jealous of the princesses beauty, she only allowed her to wear clothes made of the roughest sack cloth, and when the princess asked for make up, she threw lumps of coal at her instead.

But one day, a prince came along. A prince clad in the shiniest silk armor there ever was. He carried no sword, but instead wore bolts of satin and silk cloth upon his back.

He saw the tall tower guarded jealously by the dragon and he knew instantly that there must be a beautiful princess inside. After all, who goes to all the trouble of building a great prison and does not imprison a beautiful woman inside? (The prince would later visit the Guantanamo Bay region of Cuba and be terribly disappointed.)

Unlike other princes, who were always slaying dragons, the lingerie prince did not believe in killing creatures willy nilly as if his life were some unending Bear Grylls special (seriously Bear, it's not necessary for you to bite the head off of every animal you come across on your journeys,) but instead believed in being stealthy.

Being a lingerie prince had prepared him for an situation just like the one he now found himself in. Instead of stabbing the dragon with a sword, he broke out his needle and thread and made one of the prettiest, most frilliest dresses that had ever been seen in the land. Once shrouded himself in silk and satin, he made eyes at the old mean dragon witch, who flew into a rage at the sight of what could be a pretty princess and snatched him up in her large knobbly claws.

“What are you!?” she raged with dragon breath, examining the lingerie prince carefully. He smelled like a man, but his skin was silky smooth (the result of epilation and frequent moisturizer application) and he wore the finest dress she had ever seen. Deciding that all men looked like wolves and carried pointy swords, she decided that the lingerie prince must be a princess and threw him into the tower with the princess.

“My hero!” The princess swooned when she saw what the dragon had thrown into her cell, instantly recognizing the true nature of her rescuer. She blushed too though, ashamed of how she looked in her potato sack dress. Like a gentleman, the prince took off his gown and offered it to the princess. Though he now stood only in satin panties and a camisole, the princess was overjoyed as she twirled in her pretty new dress.

“Darling!” The lingerie prince cried with great familiarity, clasping the pretty princess in his smooth arms.

Before they got too carried away, the lingerie prince threw a long bolt of silk cloth out of the window (taking advantage of its impressive tensile strength of 0.5 gigapascals), and the two slid down it to safety whilst the evil dragon witch was having a cigarette and calling her evil dragon witch friends to tell them about the new princess she'd imprisoned.

The moral of the story? You save more princesses with satin than swords.