Utilikilts | Action Skirts For Action Men

Utilikilts are kilts made in the good ol' USA, designed for everyday wear by real men, the kind of men who fell trees with a sharp axe, not those namby pamby chainsaws that less testosterone enhanced men use these days.

Utilikilts are custom sized to suit the individual wearer, with an average choice of a 20 inch length or a 26 inch length (if you want to be more modest in your kilt.) A nearly idiot proof buying process means that when you input your belt size you get not one, but two prompts telling you to MEASURE your waist, damnit. There's also a length guide which teaches men to kneel on the ground with a tape measure or yardstick in order to determine the correct length for a knee length skirt, interestingly enough, this is also how they used to test that girl's school uniforms were of a demure length back in the old days when kids had to wear uniforms and couldn't run amok in bits of shredded tires held together with used heroin needles, like nowadays.

Just when you thought their customer service couldn't get any better, there's even an option during the ordering process where you get to choose whether you require a 'Beer Gut' cut, or normal cut. No man is left out of the running to look good in a skirt with Utilikilts.

Utilikilts run from $150.00 for the original model, through to $566.00 for the tuxedo version. Though perhaps more expensive than a pair of jeans, the price is not entirely ridiculous given that each kilt is made to fit the wearer specifically and is an original product. You pay more for clothing that wasn't made by slave children in Asia, you see.

At the time of writing, the Utilikilt range is comprised of five different styles. You have your original, the 'Mocker', a kilt version of 'Docker' pants, which are apparently entirely lame.

From the website:

“The Mocker is our answer to ubiquitous (and, should we add, tight and uncomfortable and wimpy and tremendously lame) Dockers® worn by white collar workers all over the world.

Pants are lame, and Dockers® are the lamest pants we can think of. They're so lame that we decided to come out with a Utilikilt so sleek and clean and stylish that your Docker wearing friends would cry in secret shame.”

What real man wouldn't want to make his friends cry in secret shame, I ask?

There's also the 'Workman' which is specially designed for the outdoors man and includes a key clasp, large metal rivets, and a pencil pocket. Because what you really need in the outdoors is a pencil.

If the Workman isn't enough, then you can upgrade to the 'Survival', which was famously and obscurely worn by Richard Hatch in the first season of Survivor (you remember him, he was the guy who insisted on running around naked most of the time.) The Survivor features pockets which can be detached and used as a belt pocket, which is incredibly super awesome. The Survivor's main claim to fame in my eyes, however, is its capacity to carry up to 20 bottles of beer at one time.

Enough waxing lyrical, go check the site out, even if you don't want an action kilt, the writing alone is worth the visit.